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Send you're Jokes or Cartoons! To Jim The Webmaster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sobriety Test A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"They're for my juggling act," the man says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Age & Sex The personnel office received an email requesting a "list of staff broken down by age and sex." The personnel officer wrote back, "Attached please find our staff list. We currently have no one broken down by age and sex, but we've got a few alcoholics."
Divorced and Drunk A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
DUI A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did alright," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Drinking Buddies There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. ''It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Seven-Year-Old Designated Driver Cops: Drunk Nevada man turned wheel over to his young son OCTOBER 31--Meet Alfredo Martinez. While the Nevada man should be saluted for knowing that he was too drunk to get behind the wheel last night, he probably should not have tabbed his seven-year-old son as his designated driver. Martinez, 37, was arrested after Reno cops spotted his car weaving across lanes and stopping suddenly. When officers pulled over the vehicle before it could enter a highway, they found a plastered Martinez in the passenger seat and his son behind the wheel. Martinez directed the boy to drive him home because he was too drunk to do it himself, cops said. Martinez is facing a felony child endangerment rap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys on the way to an AA meeting drives by. "Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Men's Rules You've all seen lady's rules, these are ours.
Did you hear about the alcoholic whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman? She sent him a John Deere letter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy who may have a drinking problem sees a sign on the window of his neighborhood saloon..."All You Can Drink for a Buck"...So he rushes inside and tells the bartender..."Give me two dollars worth!"
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER Then think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I hadn't drank the beer, they might have been out of work and their dreams would have been shattered. Then I say to myself, "It was better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
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